Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
