Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
