First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
