Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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