I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you had me at cake vodka
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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