He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
