I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize