Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
