I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
