The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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