I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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