I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
