he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
