Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
