She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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