Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
