I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
