I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
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He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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