I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
