I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
