He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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