My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
