Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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