Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
