Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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