textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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