there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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