I think I died a long time ago.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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