Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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