I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
