Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
She announced her abortion via fbk
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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