I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
