When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
