Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
