when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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