dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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