Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
