I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
