He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
