She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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