There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
