Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
