The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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