Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Randomize
