Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
