woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
