My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
