i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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