Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
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