All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
