a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
