a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
