she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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