when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
