I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
