i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
