**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
