I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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